Eli is one!

There are so many jokes about the third and fourth kids. How they don't have baby books or as many pictures, and in many ways, the stereotype holds true. I never got around to blogging his birth, and now the details are far more hazy. Ironically, part of our decision to try for Baby #4 had to do with wanting more time to soak in all the little moments after having the first three babies so close together. Yet, this year has been busy, to say the least. I was afraid the craziness of this year would rob us of enjoying the sweet baby moments. Eli traveled more miles and to more states in his first three months than many people in their entire lives. We've moved three times. Throw a deployment in there, and this year was not at all what we had pictured.

Still, as I looked back at pictures from the last year, I was struck by a few things:

• How content of a baby he is. Seriously, I looked back and have so many pictures of him sleeping. Laying down on his own. Even early in his life. This has definitely not been the norm for us, as we had very fussy babies that loved to be held. I am not sure if it’s because he’s the fourth baby and I’m more relaxed as a parent, or if it’s because he’s the fourth baby and along for the ride. Mostly, I think it’s God’s graciousness for me in a hard season of life. Whatever the reason, he is the happiest, sweetest babe, and I love it.

• He has the sweetest smile and giggle. He loves to be kissed at the base of his neck and he giggles every single time. He smiles huge and wiggles his body every time he hears music. He especially loves Wheels on the Bus and anything Cocomelon. 

• This kid loves to eat! Despite food allergies and sensitivities, he pretty much chows down on anything we give him. He also so messy! I pretty much have to change his clothes after every meal. He signs “more” and “all done,” but mostly it all means more until he throws his food and cup on the floor when he’s done.

• He has started giving kisses and babbles all the time. He says “Dada” most often, and he’s copying all kinds of sounds.

• We sleep trained him earlier in life than our other kids out of necessity with Andrew being away. He is also our first baby who plays and babbles in the crib when he wakes up instead of crying. He still takes two naps a day most is the time, although he won’t sleep if we aren’t at home. His willingness to embrace sleep has been a huge mercy for me trying to do school with the big kids. I firmly believe sleep training helped his contentedness.

• I love watching him grow and learn and explore. He’s taking his first steps and getting braver every day. He loves to climb and can climb an entire flight of stairs on his own (with me behind him, obviously). He will happily play and cruise around and explore in his playpen or wherever we are. 

• He loves being held and carried. We used my favorite ring sling when he was itty bitty (relatively, because he was almost 10 lbs at birth)! I had an Ergo carrier that I used with the other three, but it was pretty worn, and I found a nearly brand new Lillebaby carrier for a steal, and we have loved having that for him as we go out and about. 

• We are still breastfeeding strong. He never took a bottle well, so I haven’t pumped in months, but he nurses several times a day. I would love to make it to at least 18 months and then reevaluate, but we have no plan on quitting until he’s ready.

• Eli has his own fan club. I love watching his siblings dote on him, cheer for him, and celebrate each new milestone. Sometimes they love him a little too fiercely, and they often have to be reminded that he’s his own person and not a baby doll, but they love him so much, and I love to watch them together.

• I have missed getting to share and celebrate all the big milestones and little moments with Andrew over the past months. It’s been hard for all of us having him away, but I am so grateful to get to be here and share this time with my family. They have celebrated and cheered with me, helped me when it gets overwhelming, and it has been so sweet to share his first year with them.

As I look back at pictures from the last year, remembering and reliving those early sweet moments, I am assured that nothing was lost. It looked different than I expected, for sure. But the bond between siblings, taking turns with baby snuggles, the exhausted newborn days, even working hard to keep Andrew a central part of our family unit. It has all been sweet.

Our last baby turning one has been hitting me hard—not in a way I want more babies, but it makes me reflective and looking back fondly on those sweet moments of pregnancy and newborn days. It makes me almost want to do it again, but I know myself and I’m at capacity with our crew now. Instead, I look forward to all the adventures we’ll have as a family of six. Maybe we’ll grow our family through foster care or adoption one day, but for now, we’re done. My body is done having babies, and I want to focus on making it strong to keep up with our very energetic family.

This year went by like a blink, but I was present as much as possible in every moment. That’s all I could have asked for. 

Happy first birthday, sweet Baby Boy! We love you so much!

Pregnancy, Loss, and Infertility

 8 years ago next week we heard those awful words every parent to be dreads to hear: “There is no heartbeat.” 

This time of year always makes me reflect. It’s Infant Loss Awareness Month, as well as the anniversary of our baby born in heaven. 

It was devastating. We had tried to become parents for over a year, and after all the prayers and negative tests, this was our awaited miracle. Until suddenly it wasn’t. 

We had no idea what God had in store for our family’s future, but it was hard to trust God in that moment. We tried. We failed. We kept trying… and slowly but surely healing came. 

The next year was made up of failed fertility treatments, foster care certification that never ended in a placement, an overseas calling to be missionaries… and then Samuel came. And Maria. And Isaac. 

Three babies in less than 3 years was chaos but also so sweet. An abundance of long-awaited blessings!

Enter military life—meaning more grad school, trainings, managing the kids and house while Andrew was away. On top of losing his job, moving to Oklahoma, Covid….

We were never really sure we felt our family was complete, and considering all the knowns and unknowns the future would hold for our family, we felt like if we were going to have another baby it was now or never. So we put it in God’s hands and I was pregnant in one month. 😳 This from the couple who tried for over two and a half years, wondering if we would ever be parents!

This pregnancy has been harder on my body, and harder emotionally with everything we have going on as Andrew begins active duty. We are now more sure than ever this will be our last baby… at least biologically. I’m not sure I’ll ever be certain enough to say we’re done forever, but I’m sure my body is done!

So as we await this special baby—the fifth one my body has made and carried—it seems to come full circle that he would be born at the same time of year we lost that first baby 8 years ago. In those years, we have been through so many ups and downs. We have learned so much about ourselves, and have grown immensely. We have learned over and over of God’s faithfulness,  goodness, and redemption, even when we’re in the lows and it’s hard to see. 

We are grateful for our chaotic, strong-willed, sleep-fighting, high energy, aggressively loving crew. Our team. Our quiver full of arrows. 

It was not at all what I would have pictured eight years ago, but it’s even better than I could have ever dreamed. ❤️ 

Everyone’s story is different. We had one loss early in the pregnancy, but it was profound for us. Some people suffer multiple losses, losses late in pregnancy, or lose babies born too early. Each loss is different, and we don’t have to compare pain to acknowledge it becomes part of our story. 

What I am certain of, and have seen over and over in our story, is that God IS so good. He is so faithful. Even when we can’t see it. We can trust it as we know Him more. 

Big Life Update

Big Life Update.

The last month has been filled with a lot of decisions, planning based on a lot of unknown details, and trusting God’s plan as we make details to move forward. 

When Andrew’s packet didn’t make it the August Chaplain board we were definitely disappointed. It yet again delayed our plans we’ve been anticipating for the past three and a half years. Still, we fully trust God’s timing to work out in all the details. He’s brought us this far and will continue to see us through.

At this point, we probably won’t get  orders for our first duty station until next spring. We’ve really been missing spending time with family. We are due with Baby #4 in October. It’s a lot of unknowns and we felt like giving ourselves a timeline and end goal at the point would be best for our family. 

So, we committed to being at the church through the new year and plan to leave to go stay with our families in January. We will spend time in Arizona and Indiana, and we hope to know where we will be stationed before we leave Enid so we can have a more solid timeline. 

We have decided to go ahead and list our sweet little home here in Enid—based on the market here being a little slower, not wanting to list it with a brand new newborn, and the holiday season approaching. Our hope and prayer is that with an extended closing, the timing will work out with when we plan to leave.

It’s a LOT to take on at any point in life, but especially at 34 weeks pregnant. There’s a lot to do to prepare the house to sell, plus keeping it in shape for showings with three small mess-making tornadoes. Plus, the baby will be in our room so we’re trying to organize all the baby gear and necessities while simultaneously packing and decluttering our home. 

So many unknown details.

So much to do.

So very little energy and time.

I’ve struggled with increased anxiety the past few weeks. We trust God and His timing, but living in the reality of our situation and trying not to get overwhelmed is hard. We’re taking it day by day, task by task, and trusting God will work it out. 

So—we are asking if you’ll join us in prayer. Please pray:

• For the right family to purchase our home.
• For the timing of closing to work out so we don’t have to move temporarily before we leave here. 
•  For the timing of my delivery and safety of Baby Elijah’s arrival.
• To find joy and peaceful moments as I soak in the last weeks of our family of 5, as well as soak in the last season of having a newborn (Baby Eli will be our last!) despite all of the craziness. 
• For Andrew’s packet to be ready and approved at the November chaplain board. 
• For the best possible first chaplain assignment for our family.
• For supernatural peace, positive attitudes, and patience for our family as we navigate all the changes (especially for our kiddos).

It’s been a hard year and a half, moving to a new city right before Covid and navigating that here, but we are grateful for the friendships we’ve made here, as well as how God has used this time to continue to prepare us for the work he will have us doing in the future. 

Looking at Last Week’s Laundry: A Sunday Night Encouragement for the Week Ahead

 

It’s Sunday night and I am looking at the laundry sitting in my living room still from last Tuesday. 

We have lived around this particular load of laundry for almost a week now. I have had intentions of putting it away every day since I folded it. It’s been on my to do list but has been pushed down on the priority totem pole all week. 

Because my week often consists of meeting the needs—allllll the needs—of three young children. Of trying to get myself to bed at a decent hour. Of working a side business from home. Of home schooling. Of cooking meals and 384929374 snacks a day. Of trying to find time to spend with my husband. Or time for myself. Of doing all the dishes, laundry, and planning created by a family of five people. 

And I am tired. Overwhelmed. Impatient. Wanting a break or to escape for some “me time.” It can be hard to be fully present in the midst of all of this. 

Please hear me, I am not complaining. I have an incredibly loving and supporting husband who partners with me to accomplish all these things. I love taking care of these people. It is my life’s calling and truly the life I always dreamed of having. I know how incredibly blessed I am. But I also know I am not alone in the weariness of this season, of this year, of this exhausting, filling, stretching, all-consuming mission that is parenthood. 

It’s Sunday night, and there are dishes in the sink, toys needing to be picked up, and clothes that need to be put away. I like starting the new week fresh, with a clean and tidy house, ready to tackle all the to-dos. I feel anxious not having things in order before I begin to tackle all that is ahead. But it doesn’t always happen.

If you are feeling the weariness of not accomplishing last week’s tasks as the many new tasks of this week are on the horizon, I invite you to breathe with me. Take a breath. Take a pause. Let the peace of God and this truth wash over you: It is okay to rest. In fact, it is more than okay. It is holy and created by God. 

The to do list will always be there, ever growing. Some weeks we will start fresh, with clean sinks and (mostly) empty laundry baskets. Other times we won’t. But either way, we can still choose to make it a good week. To work hard. And in the midst of it all, to pause. Rest. And thank God for this messy, chaotic, sweet, exhausting season. I wouldn’t trade it for all the clean laundry in the world. 

Thoughts on 2020 and Looking Forward to a New Year

How do you begin to reflect on a year as unexpected as this one? I love going back and seeing all the fresh hope and excitement I was feeling for the year ahead. In last year’s big blog reflection, I wrote,

 “I've learned to stop trying to predict the future and simply roll with it, as I trust God to work it all out for the good, keep my eyes and heart fixed on heaven, take breaths in the times of peace, and hold on for dear life as we say yes to the Lord and yes to the Kingdom work He calls us to do. Cheers to growth, abiding with the Lord, and being flexible in 2020 and beyond.”

Ummmm yeah, I definitely couldn’t have predicted a fraction of what this year would hold, but those words are still as true today as they were then. 

This year, we definitely had to be flexible and I clung so tightly to Scripture, and what I know to be true of God’s character and promises. And growth. Oh, the hard opportunities for growth! 

I wrote these words days before we would visit a church in Oklahoma and feel the Lord calling our family to move across the country. A hard yes. 

We would move a week before the country would begin shutting down due to the spread of an unknown virus. We began our ministry virtually and had a difficult time finding community in the midst of a pandemic. 

Virtual church. Virtual army. Virtual meetings. Separation from family and friends. Racial inequality. Death. Riots. Masks. Shutdowns. Social distancing. A polarizing presidential election. And So. Much. Anger. I have never felt as angry as I’ve felt at times this year. It has challenged me and humbled me and shaped me in a way I’ve never known. Many of my core beliefs and ideas have been challenged this year, allowing me to be more firmly rooted in the Truth.

In the midst of it all, our little family thrived in unexpected ways. God, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, knew our family would need preparation for the military life to which He is calling us. We will need to learn to be a strong unit who relies on one another, and this year has certainly been practice for that!

God is gracious in that at the same time we had a huge move, leaving our hometown of 14 years for a brand new state, everyone became more accustomed to virtual communication like we’ve never know, enabling us to stay connected with community in a more natural  way. 

We’ve take countless drives and “adventures,” car picnics, and scavenger hunts just to get out of the house. We’ve scoped out every park in the city and found our favorite playground. We made the decision to homeschool and have all been thriving in it. 

Some of the things we had hoped would happen in 2020 were...

• • Andrew to get a new job. ✅
• • Megan to write/blog more. ✅
• • Sammy starts preschool and turns 5. ✅
• • Maria turns 4 ✅ and learns to swim underwater.
• • Isaac turns 2 ✅ and potty trains.
• • See Elsa at the zoo. ✅
• • Andrew promote to 1LT. ✅
• • Sammy learns to swim without floaties.
• • Take a family vacation.
• • Celebrate our 10th anniversary ✅ and go on a cruise or vacation.

Some of them happened in unexpected ways, and others become utterly impossible due to Covid. We spent our tenth anniversary, not on our first solo vacation in over 5 years, but putting three kids to bed and having a steak dinner in our living room. We didn’t get the littlest potty trained. But it’s okay. If this year has taught me anything, it’s grace for others and myself.

So, 2021? I’m afraid to make any assumptions, but I have hope. For some returned normalcy. For dealing with one another more gently. For opportunities to love others well. For continued growth through the hard things. For continuing to live under God’s faithfulness and goodness.

A few of the things we hope 2021 holds:

• • Andrew finishing his Master of Divinity (second Master’s degree)!
• • Andrew commissioning active duty as an Army Chaplain.
• • Continuing to invest in ministry here in Enid and deepening relationships with people here.
• • Beginning homeschool kindergarten for S and continuing homeschool preschool for M and I.
• • Continuing to grow my Color Street business and promoting to Team Leader.
• • Continuing to invest in the health of our family—preparing and cooking whole and healthy meals, as well as regular exercise and activity.
• • I turns 3 and hopefully be potty trained.
• • S turns 6 and wants to learn to swim under water without floaties.
• • M turns 5 and wants to see Elsa in Disney World. 😳 (her words)

My word for 2021 is “solid.” A reminder that God is a solid rock upon whom I trust, regardless of circumstance. A reminder of the strength and unity of our family. A reminder of solid and true friendships that outlast distance. A reminder of who I am and what I can accomplish. That we can do the hard things and stand firm in a strength larger than our own. 2021 will be solid.

Happy new year! May it be full of hope, blessing, and joy! 🥂

What I’m Learning Through Covid and Why I Want You to Join Me

Moving at the beginning of this pandemic was difficult, and then toss in shut downs, virtual services, the stress of quarantines, and working in a place where serving others is the number one priority... It’s been hard to navigate, honestly. And people here haven’t really had a chance to get to know us the way it has been in past ministry, or the way we envisioned it going. We love spending time with our church community and staff families and hosting people in our homes, but this year has made that difficult, and I don’t want people to misunderstand that as not caring or not investing or something other. So the purpose of this blog is to share a little bit about where my heart is at with all of this, as well as share what I am learning so it can encourage you to dig in and learn for yourself.

I am not a medical professional and do not claim to know everything by any stretch. My heart has been so burdened this year by watching many people’s responses, specifically to Covid, and the division it has created. I have tried so hard not to alienate anyone because they may have different views than I do, and I always try to empathize and see things from others’ perspectives. That being said, I’ve found it difficult at times this year to see the lack of consideration and empathy people have shown for one another. 

First and foremost, I always aim to love God and others. It is our number one mission as followers of Christ, and it is a paradigm through which I try to view everything in life. I also seek the Lord and ask His guidance and wisdom in nearly everything I do. I have spent much time processing and considering what I write here, so know I don’t say any of this flippantly. 

I never want to create further division in the body of believers, but I also know the views I have regarding Covid are fairly unpopular where we live. I cannot in good conscience neglect the knowledge I have—from firsthand accounts of my family in the medical field, from accounts of family literally across the country seeing their numbers rise, from my own research, and my own experience—and acting upon that accordingly.

So here’s what I’ve learned that has led our family to make the choices we have to temporarily social distance or self-quarantine for various times and reasons and to wear masks in public, and why I believe it takes all of us doing so to be effective:

🖤 Covid is not “just the flu.” More people have died of Covid this year than the past five years of flu deaths  combined. Even if you believe those numbers are inflated (which I don’t believe they are), and you discount half of that, it’s still 2.5 times greater. Not to mention the strain on hospitals and healthcare workers due to the rapid spread of the virus. To say this isn’t real or is blown out of proportion is equivalent to burying one’s head in the sand. 

🖤 Wearing a mask, practicing social distancing, and washing hands/properly sanitizing are the top ways we are being asked to do our part in slowing the spread of this virus. 

🖤 No one thinks these measures are a cure for Covid. But it can slow the spread and stress on our medical community, as well as potentially spare some lives in the process. 

🖤 Many people were doing some form of these things during shutdowns, which is when positive cases and deaths began to slow. As things reopened and people became more relaxed and tired of the precautions, numbers began to rise. We are all weary and want things to “go back to normal,” but the issue doesn’t go away because we’re tired of dealing with it or hearing about it. 

🖤 Masks don’t work unless everyone wears them correctly. This can’t be an “everyone mind their own business” or “you do you” kind of situation. It takes everyone doing their part for this to be effective, which is why it hasn’t been effective in the past 8 months. 

🖤 To say that “masks don’t work” when such a large number of people refuse to wear them at all or refuse to do so properly is inaccurate. 

🖤 The government would not have to be involved in mandating such things if people would do it willingly for the more vulnerable among us.

🖤 Masks don’t prevent the wearer from getting a virus. They prevent the wearers from unknowingly spreading it. You can carry the virus without symptoms, even after recovering from Covid, therefore everyone should still be wearing masks and practicing social distancing.  

🖤 To tell people to “just stay home” if they want to “live in fear” is both disrespectful and impractical. Due to jobs and other factors, this simply is not possible or healthy. Again, if we collectively were practicing social distancing and wearing masks appropriately, we could avoid further shutdowns and prolonging the worst of the spread.

🖤 My family just had Covid and recovered. It affected each of us differently and to different severities, but it took Andrew and I nearly two full weeks to recover energy, and we still had (have) some lingering side effects. We were never emergent or feared for our lives, but after experiencing it, I do see how those who are elderly or with compromised immunity would have a difficult time fighting the virus. If for no one else, we should be taking precautions to protect them.

🖤 Just because the virus didn’t affect you personally, or your case was mild, doesn’t negate the fact that it does impact many people severely. And to say it only affects the elderly or those with compromised immune systems is not always the case, according to my family working in the medical field seeing this firsthand. 

🖤 The strain on our medical workers across the country is real and severe. They are overworked, stressed, having to make difficult decisions and comfort the dying. They are carrying a huge amount of the burden of this pandemic in many ways. If you’re a medical worker and have been spared this stress, I urge you to speak up in your communities to encourage people to take appropriate precautions to prevent it from getting worse. We see what happens when this virus goes unchecked, and we have the knowledge and tools to prevent it! 

🖤 Everyone is very critical and wary of another major shutdown, and I understand why. If we don’t want this to happen again, we have been given the tools and instructions of what needs to happen: wear a mask, social distance, wash your hands. 

🖤 Mental health this year is a very real and concerning issue. We need to take care of ourselves and I don’t think anyone is recommending complete isolation. I think it is important to continue to meet in community with people virtually, as well as having a small bubble of people also taking appropriate precautions to be able to rely on. We were made to live in community, and that is a very real need. Meeting that need doesn’t need to equal negligence for the reality of our temporary situation. There is a balance, and I believe that can look different for different people in different circumstances. However, there is a “greater good” mentality that we also need to keep in mind as we make these incredibly difficult decisions.

🖤 To what end? I am not sure anyone knows the answer to this question. We know a vaccine is coming (which is another conversation entirely). We can’t go on indefinitely this way, sure, but neither can our healthcare workers if people continue to ignore expert advice. No one is saying we plan to wear a mask and social distance forever, but the longer people refuse to work together using preventative measures, the longer this situation will last.

🖤 It’s uncomfortable and inconvenient, and while there are legitimate cases where masks could cause concern for the wearer, the majority are simply choosing not to wear it. At the end of the day, there are so many more important things at stake than comfort or inconvenience. Literally lives. 

I am not downplaying the difficulty of this year for anyone. There are no easy and simple solutions. But I urge you to look beyond the individualist culture, the personal rights and privileges to which you believe you are entitled, and consider the greater good of not just our town, but our country and world as a whole. Seek the Lord and wisdom from the Holy Spirit. Don’t get stuck in feeling like you have to stand behind what you have or have not been doing this year, but be humble enough to learn and grow and act accordingly. Above all, treat one another with love and kindness. That’s my heart and truly what I am trying to walk out daily. ❤️ 

What I Have Learned in One Year

 This past 12 months has been the craziest year of our family’s life. 

In the past 12 months:

• Andrew spent 3 months in officer training for Army Chaplaincy. 
• While there, our Alma mater and university over the non-profit Andrew worked for close, causing him to lose his job. 
• The kids and I spent 6 weeks in Arizona with family. 
• We all traveled to celebrate Andrew’s graduation from training. 
• Andrew applied for jobs in various fields, as we had no idea what we would do next. 
• We celebrated Christmas all together again as a family.
• We visited a church in Oklahoma in consideration of a position there. 
• We came home, accepted that position, and began the whirlwind of listing and selling our house. 
• Our house sold in less than 48 hours. 
• Andrew left for another month on Army orders, while I began researching movers and packing. 
• Andrew came back from orders and we moved across the country less than one week later.
• As we were traveling we began hearing some more serious things about something called Covid-19. Yeah, we didn’t take it too seriously at first.
• Then we arrive, get a few necessities, spend our first Sunday at the new church, meet new families... and then the city shuts down. 
• The next month and a half is social distancing, learning about our new town on numerous car trips, and church online. 
• What a weird time to move and try to get to know people!
• Throughout the summer, we balance community, responsibilities, wisdom and caution... it’s exhausting. 
• Oh, and I joined a new business as a hobby during all the isolation, and it takes FREAKING off! And I love it!
• From there, throw in racial injustices coming to light, political tensions at an all-time high, challenging some deep-rooted beliefs, and So. Many. Opinions. About everything. 

What an exhausting, stressful, and straight up weird year. But here's what I'm learning, or perhaps relearning: God is good and working in the hard things. We don’t have to fight against them. I feel like I am drawing nearer to the Lord in this season than any other I've experienced. 

I am learning to stop striving so hard to be seen, be known, be successful. Because God sees me, knows me intimately, and any success I have or desire is in pleasing Him. I can honestly say, as I am letting go of things that were never in my control to begin with, I am truly feeling peace, in spite of it all. I am able to see fruit and growth among the hard things. I feel nearer the Lord and more firm in my purpose than maybe ever. And it’s allowing me to walk in confidence. 

Life is a journey, not a destination. And I find much comfort in knowing that God guides us along the path (Psalm 23:1-3), and that he goes before us to blaze the trail and protects us from any harm coming behind (Psalm 139:5). We may not always see the course from an aerial view, as He sees it, but we can trust that He will lead us. And what a journey it will be! 

Our family's journey has already taken detours and turns. Some we can see why in time, but others I still don't fully understand. But we keep forging forward, saying yes one obedient step at a a time. God has led us to some weird places, but He is working it out, and we can trust that He has GOOD in store for us (Jeremiah 29:11)!

Loving Your Neighbor Isn't Enough

 "LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR." Sounds simple, and I've heard it a lot lately. It is Biblical, and it's true. It would be great if we all just did that, but right now there is a lot of hate being spread around. 

Loving others, especially others who have different opinions or views than you do, is difficult. Incredibly difficult... but here's the thing. We are called to take it one step further. We are called to love our enemies!

With so many situations eliciting so many opinions, it is so hard to maintain unity. Especially in a world saturated with social media. Discussions on these divisive, yet important, topics can often begin feeling like battling we are battling “enemies.”

Let's dig into that for a second. Who is an enemy? An enemy is someone who wants bad for you. Someone with malintent. The definition of enemy in the dictionary is "a person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something."

Yikes. Does that sound familiar to anyone else? We are certainly acting like people who disagree with us are our enemies. Fellow believers are NOT the enemy, and we’ve got to stop acting like they are. Satan is the enemy. He wants to deceive, kill, destroy, and divide. Because as long as he is doing so, believers will be too distracted battling each other to recognize the ground our enemy is gaining. This is why unity is so important. 

As the Church, we are called to unity, despite opinions and beliefs, and it is not lost on me how complicated that is. We're all accessing the same Holy Spirit, reading the same book, written by the same God, and coming up with a million different interpretations. It makes my head spin.

I have been and still am wrestling through what that means and how we can reconcile that. I have no profound conclusions or answers. As believers, I don't think any of us disagree that we should be acting or believing or voting according to Biblical standards. I think where the friction comes is that there are different solutions, different ways to go about an issue to achieve the same Biblical result. We need to be fervently seeking the Lord. Not the news. Not politicians. Not even what other people are saying. And we need to give grace. To channel our anger into constructive action and seek peace.

Whether we agree or disagree, we still have to live with one another. Be kind, regardless of what you believe. God doesn't need his believers to scream people into "Biblical correctness." Life change begins with relationship. With trust being built. Through authentic love, gentle correction, sharing belief. By being an instrument used by God, instead of playing God.

God gave us the gift of our minds. We are called to love him with all our heart, soul, and MIND. We aren't called to ignore important issues. We aren't called to silence or forsaking an opinion. But we ARE called to unity, to speaking truth WITH LOVE, using wisdom and discernment from the Holy Spirit, as to what we should say and when. I think all of us need to be humble enough to admit that we are never going to get it all 100% right. None of us should be immune from evaluating our viewpoint in light of Scripture and the Holy Spirit. Robert Madu, in delivering a message I heard recently, said of Jesus' ministry: "He comforted the disturbed and disturbed the comfortable." If you are comfortable in your viewpoint, it may be worth evaluating. Hearing and listening to other viewpoints with an open mind, and then asking the Lord to search deeply and root out anything that isn't aligning with Truth. Checking it against Scripture. Against His character. And being challenged within a community of believers. THIS is what the church is called to do.

Yet, we often fight so hard to be right or to be heard or defend our position of rightness that our hearts become hardened, and we forget not only to love our neighbors, but allow the true enemy to take root and victory. No more, brothers and sisters! Satan is defeated and the Holy Spirit is at work in me and in you. No more will we let the true enemy have victory as he divides the church. No longer will I see my fellow believers as enemies. Regardless of how right I think I am, and no matter how good my intentions are, there is ALWAYS room to love greater, give grace more abundantly, and seek deeper understanding of the love of Christ. May we become a mirror of His character and reflect Christ to a very hurting, very broken world. 

Faith in a time of Political Unrest

 We've all done it. Read that post that just lit a fire in your soul. A fire of passion and desire for change. A fire of anger. Yeah, I have had that experience more than once over the past few months. I always try to regain control of my thoughts quickly before I allow myself to spiral in a bitter rage, but I have to admit, it's gotten the best of me at times.

There has been so much anger stirring in me lately, and I know I'm not the only one. Some of it, I believe, is a righteous anger. An anger for injustice or evil can spur us into action, and that can be a good thing. Even a Holy thing. But there's a flip side to that anger. It isn't healthy to live in a place of constant anger, and it will begin to consume every part of your life. 

I have been truly trying to be careful what I let into my heart and mind. What posts I'm seeing. What news I'm reading. What conversations I'm engaging or observing. But as can easily happen, I read a post (and I've read too many others stating something similar to the effect) that if you don't vote for X candidate, "your faith hangs in the balance." I read that and went to hide the post because I honestly don't address these things on facebook, nor do I want to see them because of the anger it stirs in me. I want to stand up for what is right, but few hearts are changed through facebook arguments, and it simply isn't the platform to which I've been called. I have thought a lot about what my response to that would have been a lot since then.

I would respond that my faith does not hang in the balance, regardless of the outcome, because my faith isn’t dependent on any other earthly person or administration. My faith transcends that and God is so much bigger. Now, that's not to say the outcome doesn't matter. Who we elect is important, because that person yields power that will affect the lives of many, many people. But what I won't do is hang my salvation on the outcome.

A friend wrote recently that we are trying to legislate a Christian culture, and I think that is a very accurate way of putting it. We are expecting the government to do the job God has called the church to do. Should we stand up for Biblical principles? Yes. Should we be investing so much energy and divisive debate into voting a political candidate to do this for us? No, I honestly don't think so. 

I am not trying to oversimplify it, but I think far too many people overcomplicate it. I know it gets messy because those we elect have power... But Jesus did not come to legislate morality. He came to change hearts and lives. Hearts are changed through relationship. When people talk about loving others, it is not saying throw truth and Scripture out the window. It is saying to build deep, meaningful, authentic relationship with others and allow the Holy Spirit to work in them through that. Because if we are full of the Spirit, it will be an outpouring of how we live, what we say, what we share. 

It is NOT our job to save people. It is NOT our job to change everyone's mind or make them believe. That is God's job. Regardless of the outcome of the election, our job is to live with intention and purpose, reflecting the characteristics of the Lord to this world. 

Stay In Your Yard!

I attended a virtual women's conference recently, and the speaker said something so profound and practical that has stuck with me. Her name was Havilah Cunington, and she said, "I am responsible for the presence I bring into a room." Ultimately, she said, we will be held accountable for our feelings, our attitude, and our choices, and compared it to taking care of a lawn. 

Admittedly, in a literal sense, we are terrible at taking care of our lawn, but we own our home, and we are responsible for the area within our property--for caring for it, keeping it maintained, cultivating it. I am not responsible for any one else's yard, and I do not expect anyone else to come into our yard and take care of it. Likewise, I am responsible for my feelings, attitude, and choices. I have every right to feel my feelings, but what I do with them is what I am held accountable for. 

Here's what hit me hard: I am not responsible for changing people's minds or making others happy! I cannot control other people's feelings or responses. Even God can't do that, because he gave us free will. This was a huge weight lifted to me. How much energy do we spend worrying about this? Especially with no shortage of the divisive issues at hand.

That's not to say we shouldn't stand up and speak up for things that are right and good with wisdom and discernment, but once we do that, what other people do with that is on them. How I choose to respond says everything about me. How someone else chooses to respond says everything about them.

We cannot waste our energy, our life, our power on what other people do or do not do. But if we manage our boundaries well, if we steward our yard well, we don't have time to worry about other people's yards! When we start feeling overwhelmed, angry, bitter, we need to evaluate whose yard we are starting to get into. We can have peace, clarity, and joy when we KNOW what WE are responsible for. What can I control? I can steward my life to use it the best way I know how and have been called to.

I have come back to this time and time again. When faced with a facebook post, political news, and just in relationships in general. Take care of MY yard! The Holy Spirit show us and challenges our feelings, attitudes, and choices. This year has stirred up a lot of emotions and has made me reevaluate a lot of what I thought I knew. It takes humility to admit that we don't have it all figured out. I am a work in progress, and I think it's okay for opinions to change, but what I will ALWAYS do is test my beliefs against Scripture, which I hold to be inherently true and unchanging, and test them against the character of God represented there.

 Ultimately, this is a year of drawing near the Lord in a way unlike ever before, focusing in on the choices I can control, and in doing so, finding peace. May we steward our yards well, and may our labor bear much fruit.

I'm Struggling, and That's Okay....

I’m not sure if I’m the only one feeling this during self-quarantine, but I tend to be bouncing back and forth between extremes. One minute, I am okay, and the next minute fighting back anxiety. One minute terrified to step out the door for fear of exposing myself and my family to a potentially deadly virus, then ready to bust out the door to do anything else the next. I swing from fearing the worst to wondering if it’s really such a big deal. Wearing a mask in public to almost completely forgetting things are so different. Being Mom of the year with endless activities and energy to turning on the TV for the fifth time today because what else do we have to do. Leaning closely into the Lord and drawing strength to realizing I haven’t opened my Bible in too many days.

And then there’s the guilt. Of not doing enough as a Mom. Of doing too much for my kids, thus discouraging self-sufficiency and independence. Of feeding them chicken nuggets yet again. Of feeding them meals they refuse to eat—are they going to go hungry? Of not having enough faith. Of spending time for myself reading a book or mindlessly scrolling facebook while my kids are awake. For not using their rest time or bed time to be productive. Of being grumpy or irritable or unmotivated.

I am just TIRED. Tired physically, mentally, emotionally… because this is a lot. Regardless of what some may say, this IS an unprecedented time, and we ARE in survival mode. It is stressful, despite our incredible blessings of having more than enough and far more than many.

So today, I am calling it. ENOUGH. No more guilt. Guilt and condemnation is not of God, but of the enemy. So no more beating myself up. I am doing my very best, and as I’ve had to remind myself in many seasons of motherhood, my best is never going to be enough. But through Christ, he fills in my gaps and uses me anyway. In Christ, I am whole. I am enough. And so are you.

In the swirling chaos, I must allow the Lord to be an anchor for my soul (Hebrews 6:19). This verse keeps popping up for me, which usually means the Lord is wanting me to know and remember this truth. That when the storm around us howls, when life is hard and we are discouraged, He tethers us so we won’t be blown away. We won’t sink, and He will see us through to the clearer weather.

To be honest, I have found myself some days so close to the Lord, relying on his unwavering strength and peace. And other days I am forgetting or shying away, probably when I am struggling the most. Today was the first day I had picked up my devotional book in quite some time. I’ve said prayers here and there and have a mindfulness of God daily, but it’s no substitute for spending time in reflection of His word. Time with Him. The simple answer is to turn to Him in those times, but sometimes our human nature is to run away. To hide. To distract. These are tactics of the enemy, disguised as good, but drawing us further away from true hope and peace. Today’s word spoke right to my heart in this.

“Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you. This continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace. Moreover, I will help you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what does not. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances), but on what is unseen (My Presence).” –Sarah Young, written from God’s perspective to me, May 6, referencing 2 Corinthians 4:18

Let’s give ourselves grace. Grace to have bad days. Grace when our best still falls short. But let’s not be content to stay there. The Lord is there, ready to embrace us and encourage us. To give us peace and hope. He is truly a rock, an anchor in the storm.

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” - Isaiah 26:3