I’m not sure if I’m the only one
feeling this during self-quarantine, but I tend to be bouncing back and forth
between extremes. One minute, I am okay, and the next minute fighting back anxiety. One minute terrified to step out the door for fear of
exposing myself and my family to a potentially deadly virus, then ready to bust
out the door to do anything else the next. I swing from fearing the worst to
wondering if it’s really such a big deal. Wearing a mask in public to almost
completely forgetting things are so different. Being Mom of the year with
endless activities and energy to turning on the TV for the fifth time today
because what else do we have to do. Leaning closely into the Lord and drawing strength
to realizing I haven’t opened my Bible in too many days.
And then there’s
the guilt. Of not doing enough as a Mom. Of doing too much for my kids, thus
discouraging self-sufficiency and independence. Of feeding them chicken nuggets
yet again. Of feeding them meals they refuse to eat—are they going to go
hungry? Of not having enough faith. Of spending time for myself reading a book
or mindlessly scrolling facebook while my kids are awake. For not using their
rest time or bed time to be productive. Of being grumpy or irritable or unmotivated.
I am just TIRED.
Tired physically, mentally, emotionally… because this is a lot. Regardless of
what some may say, this IS an unprecedented time, and we ARE in survival mode.
It is stressful, despite our incredible blessings of having more than enough
and far more than many.
So today, I am
calling it. ENOUGH. No more guilt. Guilt and condemnation is not of God, but of
the enemy. So no more beating myself up. I am doing my very best, and as I’ve had
to remind myself in many seasons of motherhood, my best is never going to be enough. But through Christ, he fills in my gaps and uses me anyway. In Christ,
I am whole. I am enough. And so are you.
In the swirling
chaos, I must allow the Lord to be an anchor for my soul (Hebrews 6:19). This
verse keeps popping up for me, which usually means the Lord is wanting me to
know and remember this truth. That when the storm around us howls, when life is
hard and we are discouraged, He tethers us so we won’t be blown away. We won’t
sink, and He will see us through to the clearer weather.
To be honest, I
have found myself some days so close to the Lord, relying on his unwavering
strength and peace. And other days I am forgetting or shying away, probably when
I am struggling the most. Today was the first day I had picked up my devotional
book in quite some time. I’ve said prayers here and there and have a
mindfulness of God daily, but it’s no substitute for spending time in
reflection of His word. Time with Him. The simple answer is to turn to
Him in those times, but sometimes our human nature is to run away. To hide. To
distract. These are tactics of the enemy, disguised as good, but drawing us
further away from true hope and peace. Today’s word spoke right to my heart in
this.
“Instead of
scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you. This
continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace. Moreover, I will help you
sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what
does not. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances), but on what
is unseen (My Presence).” –Sarah Young, written from God’s perspective to me,
May 6, referencing 2 Corinthians 4:18
Let’s give
ourselves grace. Grace to have bad days. Grace when our best still falls short.
But let’s not be content to stay there. The Lord is there, ready to embrace us
and encourage us. To give us peace and hope. He is truly a rock, an anchor in
the storm.
“You will keep him
in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” - Isaiah
26:3
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