8 years ago next week we heard those awful words every parent to be dreads to hear: “There is no heartbeat.”
This time of year always makes me reflect. It’s Infant Loss Awareness Month, as well as the anniversary of our baby born in heaven.
It was devastating. We had tried to become parents for over a year, and after all the prayers and negative tests, this was our awaited miracle. Until suddenly it wasn’t.
We had no idea what God had in store for our family’s future, but it was hard to trust God in that moment. We tried. We failed. We kept trying… and slowly but surely healing came.
The next year was made up of failed fertility treatments, foster care certification that never ended in a placement, an overseas calling to be missionaries… and then Samuel came. And Maria. And Isaac.
Three babies in less than 3 years was chaos but also so sweet. An abundance of long-awaited blessings!
Enter military life—meaning more grad school, trainings, managing the kids and house while Andrew was away. On top of losing his job, moving to Oklahoma, Covid….
We were never really sure we felt our family was complete, and considering all the knowns and unknowns the future would hold for our family, we felt like if we were going to have another baby it was now or never. So we put it in God’s hands and I was pregnant in one month. 😳 This from the couple who tried for over two and a half years, wondering if we would ever be parents!
This pregnancy has been harder on my body, and harder emotionally with everything we have going on as Andrew begins active duty. We are now more sure than ever this will be our last baby… at least biologically. I’m not sure I’ll ever be certain enough to say we’re done forever, but I’m sure my body is done!
So as we await this special baby—the fifth one my body has made and carried—it seems to come full circle that he would be born at the same time of year we lost that first baby 8 years ago. In those years, we have been through so many ups and downs. We have learned so much about ourselves, and have grown immensely. We have learned over and over of God’s faithfulness, goodness, and redemption, even when we’re in the lows and it’s hard to see.
We are grateful for our chaotic, strong-willed, sleep-fighting, high energy, aggressively loving crew. Our team. Our quiver full of arrows.
It was not at all what I would have pictured eight years ago, but it’s even better than I could have ever dreamed. ❤️
Everyone’s story is different. We had one loss early in the pregnancy, but it was profound for us. Some people suffer multiple losses, losses late in pregnancy, or lose babies born too early. Each loss is different, and we don’t have to compare pain to acknowledge it becomes part of our story.
What I am certain of, and have seen over and over in our story, is that God IS so good. He is so faithful. Even when we can’t see it. We can trust it as we know Him more.
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